Syntaxia and the Psychiatrist


In Philosophia, people came from everywhere to conduct research. Philosophia’s libraries contained countless books about every subject ever discovered. A young woman scholar, Syntaxia Clause, had been researching literature, semantics, and linguistics to find her true passion. What she didn’t know was that she was destined for greatness.

Syntaxia quickly exhausted all the books in her interest and felt dissatisfied. She longed for something better. Pondering what to do, she made a doctor’s appointment. The next morning, she glided on the written pathway, a floating road of linen embossed stones of the greatest literature ever written, escalating to any destination a person could choose. Today, her destination was the psychiatrist. When she entered the doctor’s office, she was greeted by the receptionist, “Good morning, appointment Miss?”

“Yes, Syntaxia Clause at 9:00,” answering politely.

The receptionist checked her calendar and replied, “Just one moment and I’ll let Dr. Guideman know you are here.” The receptionist moved into another room while Syntaxia sat down. She was fifteen minutes early. A few moments passed and Dr. Guideman entered the waiting area and motioned her back. They both moved back to his office and sat down adjacent to each other.

“Miss Clause, it is nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Guideman, how can I help you?” he asked.

“Well, my entire impression of my life is unsettled. My existence remains in a manner of disconcertedness and unfulfillment.” she responded uneasily.

“Why?” he asked.

“There is nothing left to research. I possess all the knowledge of the English language in terms of grammar and proper writing. I can teach, but I’m not sure if that profession would be suited for me. If I don’t teach though, I could become a writer or even study different languages. I don’t know if any of these occupations would make me feel fulfilled. What should I do?” she pleaded.

“You have your whole life ahead. Let’s do a series of tests and figure things out,” Dr. Guideman responded. He gave her some written tests first, followed by some verbal tests. They also discussed more about her life and experiences. After leaving her for thirty minutes to score her tests, he came back.

“Miss Clause, I can’t find anything wrong with you. You have one of the healthiest minds I know.” Dr. Guideman explained.

“Dr. Guideman, that is great to hear, but I still feel lost. Please help me, I need to have a purpose.” Syntaxia exclaimed.

Dr. Guideman looked at her with sincerity. He took out a set of glasses and slid them on his face. The glasses had square purple lenses with antique gold wire frames. Syntaxia eyed him cautiously as he looked deep into her eyes, reaching into her soul. As he delved deep, a laser like beam connected her eyes with his through the lenses. As their souls were connected, he had a vision of what Syntaxia’s true calling might be to fulfill her destiny. With his realization, he yelled, “Be right back! I think I have the answer you are seeking!” He ran out the back door leaving Syntaxia waiting again. This time for two hours.

She studied the small office memorizing every inch of it before Dr. Guideman came running back in with another gentleman carrying a small container. “Miss Clause, I am so sorry to keep you waiting, but I consulted with my apothecary, Dr. Pharma.”

“Good afternoon, Miss Clause. Dr. Guideman told me your dilemma and we cannot let you leave without providing something to help you. You have so much potential. Here is what we are going to do,” pausing to hold out a small container jeweled in rubies sparkling as the gems hit the lights, “please try the contents in this container here in the office first. We will test and if everything works properly, you may take this home.”

Syntaxia asked, “What’s in it, and what do I have to do?”

Dr. Guideman took the oval red box from Dr. Pharma and unlatched the lock with a tiny key revealing what looked like a creamy, light yellowy substance. “Miss Clause, I need you to take a spoonful and eat it. It is a special kind of butter prepared specially by Dr. Pharma. We think this is all you need to fulfill your destiny.” Dr. Guideman expanded.

“I’m not sure. Butter? It does look like butter, but…butter?” she quizzically responded.

“Yes ma’am. I have been working on this formula for years. The cream comes from top bred cows and the churn comes from an ancient family of churners. It is said to have magical powers.” Dr. Pharma said.

“I guess I’ll try anything.” Syntaxia replied as she spooned out the butter.
“Here is some toast to spread it on.” Guideman added.

She buttered the toast and ate it all. “Doctors, I feel a little woozy. Uhm, I hope I don’t…” saying as she vanished.

Dr. Guideman and Dr. Pharma both screamed as Dr. Guideman exclaimed, “Dru, I told you we shouldn’t experiment like this! We might have killed her or banished her somewhere horrible! I’m not letting you talk me into this again.”

“Usher, I’m sorry. I thought it would be full proof. It worked on my former assistant, Blaz the Giant, he grew from 7 to 9 feet and is now leading the army. Not sure why she disappeared. Back to the mixing table.” Pharma replied.

A week later, a young woman entered Dr. Guideman’s office and asked the receptionist to see him. The receptionist showed her into his office where he was working at his desk. Startled, he looked up to see a woman dressed in red from head to toe, wearing a pair of nerdy glasses, and a cape standing with the might of a god. “Miss Clause! I am so happy to see you! I was afraid we’d killed you. Eureka, the butter WAS a success!”

“Yes doctor! The butter you gave me changed my life! It fulfilled my destiny. I was enchanted with special powers and transported to the land of Grammarcy where I am now The Grammarian, correcting all bad writing for mankind. I have you and Dr. Pharma to thank for it. I’m sorry it took me a week to let you know, but I have been very busy.” she said proudly.

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